The Brewminati, while undeniably powerful, has the same Achilles Heel as any other massive conspiracy. The mere recognition of their existence could be enough to topple the entire organization. It’s a lesson that some other less meticulous shadow groups learned the hard way:
When the Brewminati wish to communicate, it must be encoded. My theory is that they do this through the very beers they produce in the form of anagrams. Here’s just a few examples of what I’ve uncovered:
Speedway Stout: Payee Dusts Two
* A likely reference to a hitman being asked to pull a double shift.
Pliny The Elder: End Hitler Yelp
* Yelp seems an odd target, but I have noticed its users getting increasingly aggressive on brewpub reviews…
Blue Moon: Lube Mono
* Possibly a sinister plan to infect sexual lubricants with STDs? I can’t say what the end game would be there for a beer producer, but it IS a genius idea…
Le Freak: Fear Elk
* No idea. But it’s good advice. We’ll have to see how that plays out.
Saison du BUFF: Bad Suffusion
* I never really cared for this collaboration. It appears the brewers felt the same. So why release it? My guess is to implant fans of 3 different breweries with microchips simultaneously.
Ruination IPA: A Tour In Pain, I
* This seems a curious message to send when the beer name makes it just as obvious, but I’m guessing that Stone was proposing to use it for interrogation purposes.
I’m even hypothesizing that some prominent brewers could be encoding mission statements in their own NAMES:
Stone Brew: Beers Town
* The beer renaissance happening in San Diego may be part of Stone’s larger agenda to use beer to create regional allegiance, possibly to build highly motivated paramilitary groups. That would make the most sense since the alternative of “Boner Stew” really doesn’t compute.
Boston Brewing: Newborn Bigots
* That’s right, Sam Adams wants to make your children beer snobs right out of the womb, probably with a vaccine for some made up disease like “Hepatitis”.
The Bruery: Bury There
* I suspect if we tear up the foundation of this brewery, we’ll discover the bodies of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earheart.
Anheuser Busch: Rehabs Eunuchs
* I have no clue. But it might involve boner stew…